When you lost custody of your children, chances are that you will also lost the days with your kids to your ex-wife who happens to be a narcissistic spouse and a narcissistic parent. However, it’s not the end of the world. Having more time with the children implies more exposure of children to the same problem that you’ve been facing in your married years. Even worse, your ex-wife now doesn’t have you as her vent. She will likely turn to your children. Signs are something like: “You begin to sound like you dad!’ “Don’t talk to me like that. It reminds me of your father!”
According to research, mother-children relationship can be toxic. Ironically, the unsuitable moms still get a lot of custody time with their children. She might have already expel the children’s father (who might be you) from the family and the children’s caregiving role. Therefore the children are exposing to their single narcissistic parent’s toxic behaviors every day and night.
Toxic mom often scold their children for their problems. An example is that a house which is always not cleaned by the mom but the mom will likely blame it all to her children for not cleaning with her. The toxic mom can often show dissatisfaction about children’s school performance. Then, the toxic mom might vent to her children with her negative world view. She also tend to “overshare” her own struggles to her children.
What happens to children under a narcissistic parent?
When the mom tries to block you from visitation, she means to illegally and unethically run a distorted family in which one parent is deliberately wiped out. She tries to “own” her children by having you lost custody. However, the result is usually quite the opposite.
According to many real cases, the children will finally take revenge against their mom – an incompetent caregiver who were granted custody because of errors in the 21st century family courts. You might be happy to hear that but still surprised and in disbelief. Here is what might happen:
1. People just won’t change:
You might be in doubt of yourself why you need to get divorced with your ex-wife. After years, you finally prove yourself right because your children tell you they also can’t stand their mom anymore. People just won’t change. Interpersonal relationship is subtle in every way. Harm can drip in through words, expression, and as trivial-looking as a hissing sound.
2. Children inherit from mom:
Living with the mother intensively every day, children will mimic her mom in every way. The children hear their mom screaming at them with diminishing words. They cannot respond today, but they will build that diminishing word vocabulary and scream it to another person. One day, they will scream it back to their mom. Their mom won’t just take it and forget about it (like you). Their mom will hit back hard and result in even more revolutionary children especially during their teenage years.
3. Children are traumatized:
After divorce, you are freed and recovering. But the children continue to suffer when they have to live with their mom to whom the court assigned full custody or partial custody to. The traumatic children will certainly not comply with their source of stress (the mom) when they grow big enough to fight back.
Many cases that we see, the primary caregiver (the mother) kidnapped the kid for a while. However, afterwards, kids are so fed up their mother (who happened to be a narcissistic parent) that, after growing to the age where they can legally drive or legally-allowed to move out to travel around, they will move out of the house as soon as they can. In some cases, the brothers and sisters help each other to move out of the house. There will be a chance that they want to find the father (you) and live with you or nearby your place. They will choose you (and not their mom) to visit in Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Year’s Day.
Fathers lost custody: how to prepare for your children’s coming back?
So, how do we get prepared for the children’s coming back? You will find that preparing for these is much easier than proactively fighting for children’s custody. When the children come back to you, they already know about the problems of their mom. They understand why Daddy fought with Mommy. Now, what should a father (you) do to take care of the kids?
1. You are going to show them a happier place:
The first thing your children see is the car you drive, the place you live, and… YOU. When you see them, just remember that they just departed from a somber place. All you need to do is to show them a happier version of life. So, make sure you cheer up.
2. You are going to show them a really strong role model:
The children are under great negative influence of your ex-wife acting out a narcissistic parent every day. They are getting worn out. They are losing their belief not only in a “mom” but in “all adults”. They surely need a new role model to give them a hope of the future. They need someone to look up to. So, be a strong and smart dad in front of your kids.
3. You are going to be very very patient with them:
Their mom must be very anxious to send them to your side. At your side, you should show the opposite – being calm and patient with the kids. Don’t ask much about what they do in mom’s house and in mom’s life. They might have been alienated by their mom. It’s hard for them to love you or to show respect to you as a father immediately. They might not even call you Daddy in the first place. However, be patient, and be a role model to them.
4. You are going to be financially or spiritually fulfilling:
Children come to dad for many reasons. In some cases, it’s just their narcissistic parent (their mom) who wants to get financial support from you and trying to get it by sending the children to you. So, working hard while your children are not next to you certainly helps you to give them a hand when they need it. There are other things which can replace money too. You can show children about your knowledge or spiritual learning or other tricks (such as woodworking) to grant them like a Santa Clause.
If you have a new partner or spouse, and a new family, you can follow the steps as here.
After all, your suffering as a dad who cannot see your children will be paid back in the future. Your love to your children will be seen and cherished, most likely, by your beloved and cherished children one day.